Chapter 5 "My academic hustle"
I've wanted to go to University ever since I was a little girl. For the longest time I told everyone and their mum that I wanted to be a "fish doctor". Then I learnt that it was actually called marine biology. I was ready to go study in Australia and save the great barrier reef. I loved marine life and still do. Even as a little 5 year old, I knew all the fish in the aquariums at the local zoo. It was important to me that people knew my favourite animals are dolphins. My dream changed when I learnt that I can't deep dive because I struggle with equalising pressure in my ears. So, when I was older I discovered forensic anthropology (shout out to Bones). However, that dream was put on hold when I got the opportunity to speak to a forensic anthropologist in Zürich, who told me it's not worth the many years of studying as there's not that many decomposed dead people around (maybe 1 or 2 a year) and the cases are usually always the same. Still, I read all the books my parents bought me on forensic anthropology and forensic science and maintained an interest in forensics until today. The passion I felt for marine biology and forensic anthropology is unmatched. I have so many books on the topics and I wasn't even in high-school when I started checking out unis that offer either courses.
Bit nerdy?
Definitely.
I want you to understand how excited I was to start studying at university. I graduated from my high-school, thinking I would attend the local university to study psychology. Little did I know that my disability would be the main reason for my rejection letter.
Bit nerdy?
Definitely.
I want you to understand how excited I was to start studying at university. I graduated from my high-school, thinking I would attend the local university to study psychology. Little did I know that my disability would be the main reason for my rejection letter.
In a previous post, I discussed resitting my final math IB exam because I failed and needed to get 2 more points to meet the entry requirements for university. While studying for this exam, I was also studying for the entry exam that they offered. This was also in the time that I got my diagnosis.
I put myself under a lot of pressure that year.
I put myself under a lot of pressure that year.
When I got my diagnosis, I reached out to the university and asked if something could be done to help me in the entry exam, like more time or being permitted a calculator (because writing 17 eight times to solve 17 x 8 takes a while). However, I was offered no support. I was also told that I can seek support after I've passed the exam and have been accepted as a student.
Thank you, very helpful.
Furious at this, my dad got into the car with me and drove us the university. We went to the appropriate department, with my diagnosis report at the ready. My dad led the conversation. He told the lady in the office that I had called regarding my disability and was offered no support. Needless to say, the woman was shook.
She told us she'd photocopy my diagnosis report and get back to me. The following day, I was offered more time in both the written and oral exam.
Fast-forward to the examination week:
The written exam went the same as any written exam- I had no clue how to approach most questions but I attempted everything and word-vomited everything mathematical I could think of onto the paper.
The oral exam, however, was probably one of the most uncomfortable experiences in my entire life. And I'll never forget it.
I was in a room with an elderly man who took notes, and the examiner. There were 2 questions I had to solve. The first I managed with a lot of support from the examiner, who was already irritated. It probably didn't help that I kept looking at him for support. Before starting the second question, he let me know that he will not be helping me anymore in a very stern manner, which did not help my nerves. I gave myself a little pep-talk and looked at the question.
Where do I begin? What on earth is a perpendicular function?
Although I knew what perpendicular lines are, my mind was blank. The room was so silent I could hear the blood pumping in my ears. My nerves were out of control. I don't know how long it took for him to speak up, but it felt like forever.
"If you had any common sense, you would know how to start answering this question" were the first words I heard after a long, awkward period of silence. His statement pulled me right out of my own thoughts. I responded with "if I had common sense, I wouldn't be disabled would I?".
Now, I can't say 100% that he knew about my disability but he knew I had extra time and he saw me struggle with the first question. If that's not an indication that this may not be a "normal" situation, I don't know what is. He then proceeded to sigh in annoyance and tell me the first step. It didn't mean anything to me because at that point I had shut down. I was angry. I couldn't believe what I heard. I was embarrassed.
You have to understand that it was an extremely intimidating situation and battling with Dyscalculia, has made me extremely determined to show people that I am intelligent. However, I got the vibe that this man thought I was an idiot, which was confirmed by his comment. I looked at the question and miraculously something clicked. I knew what I had to do next. I began solving the function.
When I solve equations I absolutely HAVE to write down every single step because I forget what I have done already otherwise. The problem with Dycalculia is that we have poor memories. We struggle to retain and retrieve mathematical concepts because we face impairments with our short-term memory. Stay tuned for a post on how Dyscalculia affects memory.
So I wrote down every step. There were many steps but I kept going. That is, until the examiner piped up with "you don't have to write out every step. You're wasting paper and ink". I didn't have the energy to respond at that point and continued with what I was doing.
Was my answer correct in the end? I doubt it.
Did this man make me feel like crap about myself? 100%.
I left the venue feeling extremely heavy and upset.
Why would someone respond like that regardless of my personal struggles in that kind of situation?
A few weeks later I got confirmation that I had, in fact, not been accepted to the university. A big reason was that I failed the math exams. I decided that this university is the last place I want to attend, especially after investing so much money into trying to get in, only to have my confidence knocked down because of something I can't control or change.
That same semester I applied to a different university in Scotland, and despite the poor math grade on my IB diploma, I was offered a place almost 24 hours after applying.
Now, my university isn't perfect but the way I was taken care of in regard to my disability was truly commendable.
I was offered more time for all my exams and assignments. I was offered a program to help me with my calculations. I was also offered someone who would help me with statistics. Measures were put in place that if I would have to go on a field-trip, I would receive a map, and important locations in that place in case I get lost. I was offered more things but I said no to the things I didn't feel would be necessary.
The funniest thing I was offered was someone to guide me around the university campus and the town. I didn't take that offer because I figured that I've been getting lost for 21 years of my life at the time- why stop now?
As I said, my university isn't perfect and I have had bad experiences in relation to my disability. For example, when I failed a statistics assignment that I did not understand at all. Upon asking for feedback to help me understand for next time, I was ignored despite the involvement of my personal tutor. For context, personal tutors at our university are kind of like our godparents. Or at least they're supposed to be.
Anyway, I still don't understand what the task was and where I went wrong, but I made it to my final year anyway.
I don't want it to seem like I have been trying to use my disability as an excuse to help me get into and through university, but I don't feel like I can be put into the same jar as people who do not share my struggle either.
We all learn differently, and all have different difficulties. I believe that more of an effort has to be made in the educational system to help accommodate those struggling. Just because I have a disability, doesn't mean that I am not capable of completing a task just as well as someone who doesn't. I need additional support to help me understand.
Opening up about having a disability is not easy. Society puts so much pressure on people to be perfect, that it's uncomfortable to admit you're not. Even if your imperfection is out of your control. So imagine opening up, and being shut down immediately or having someone tell you that you don't have common sense when you're busy fighting your own demons. We shouldn't be made to feel stupid, because we are not.
Why make someone feel stupid about something they can't do when they're open to learning?
A concept I won't, and don't think I ever will understand. If you know someone who has faced discrimination on the basis of being different, please stand up for them guys. The same way my Dad did for me. We're strong and independent but sometimes we need back-up and it feels good to know your loved ones have your back.
Take care of yourselves guys!!
Thank you, very helpful.
Furious at this, my dad got into the car with me and drove us the university. We went to the appropriate department, with my diagnosis report at the ready. My dad led the conversation. He told the lady in the office that I had called regarding my disability and was offered no support. Needless to say, the woman was shook.
She told us she'd photocopy my diagnosis report and get back to me. The following day, I was offered more time in both the written and oral exam.
Fast-forward to the examination week:
The written exam went the same as any written exam- I had no clue how to approach most questions but I attempted everything and word-vomited everything mathematical I could think of onto the paper.
The oral exam, however, was probably one of the most uncomfortable experiences in my entire life. And I'll never forget it.
I was in a room with an elderly man who took notes, and the examiner. There were 2 questions I had to solve. The first I managed with a lot of support from the examiner, who was already irritated. It probably didn't help that I kept looking at him for support. Before starting the second question, he let me know that he will not be helping me anymore in a very stern manner, which did not help my nerves. I gave myself a little pep-talk and looked at the question.
Where do I begin? What on earth is a perpendicular function?
Although I knew what perpendicular lines are, my mind was blank. The room was so silent I could hear the blood pumping in my ears. My nerves were out of control. I don't know how long it took for him to speak up, but it felt like forever.
"If you had any common sense, you would know how to start answering this question" were the first words I heard after a long, awkward period of silence. His statement pulled me right out of my own thoughts. I responded with "if I had common sense, I wouldn't be disabled would I?".
Now, I can't say 100% that he knew about my disability but he knew I had extra time and he saw me struggle with the first question. If that's not an indication that this may not be a "normal" situation, I don't know what is. He then proceeded to sigh in annoyance and tell me the first step. It didn't mean anything to me because at that point I had shut down. I was angry. I couldn't believe what I heard. I was embarrassed.
You have to understand that it was an extremely intimidating situation and battling with Dyscalculia, has made me extremely determined to show people that I am intelligent. However, I got the vibe that this man thought I was an idiot, which was confirmed by his comment. I looked at the question and miraculously something clicked. I knew what I had to do next. I began solving the function.
When I solve equations I absolutely HAVE to write down every single step because I forget what I have done already otherwise. The problem with Dycalculia is that we have poor memories. We struggle to retain and retrieve mathematical concepts because we face impairments with our short-term memory. Stay tuned for a post on how Dyscalculia affects memory.
So I wrote down every step. There were many steps but I kept going. That is, until the examiner piped up with "you don't have to write out every step. You're wasting paper and ink". I didn't have the energy to respond at that point and continued with what I was doing.
Was my answer correct in the end? I doubt it.
Did this man make me feel like crap about myself? 100%.
I left the venue feeling extremely heavy and upset.
Why would someone respond like that regardless of my personal struggles in that kind of situation?
A few weeks later I got confirmation that I had, in fact, not been accepted to the university. A big reason was that I failed the math exams. I decided that this university is the last place I want to attend, especially after investing so much money into trying to get in, only to have my confidence knocked down because of something I can't control or change.
That same semester I applied to a different university in Scotland, and despite the poor math grade on my IB diploma, I was offered a place almost 24 hours after applying.
Now, my university isn't perfect but the way I was taken care of in regard to my disability was truly commendable.
I was offered more time for all my exams and assignments. I was offered a program to help me with my calculations. I was also offered someone who would help me with statistics. Measures were put in place that if I would have to go on a field-trip, I would receive a map, and important locations in that place in case I get lost. I was offered more things but I said no to the things I didn't feel would be necessary.
The funniest thing I was offered was someone to guide me around the university campus and the town. I didn't take that offer because I figured that I've been getting lost for 21 years of my life at the time- why stop now?
As I said, my university isn't perfect and I have had bad experiences in relation to my disability. For example, when I failed a statistics assignment that I did not understand at all. Upon asking for feedback to help me understand for next time, I was ignored despite the involvement of my personal tutor. For context, personal tutors at our university are kind of like our godparents. Or at least they're supposed to be.
Anyway, I still don't understand what the task was and where I went wrong, but I made it to my final year anyway.
I don't want it to seem like I have been trying to use my disability as an excuse to help me get into and through university, but I don't feel like I can be put into the same jar as people who do not share my struggle either.
We all learn differently, and all have different difficulties. I believe that more of an effort has to be made in the educational system to help accommodate those struggling. Just because I have a disability, doesn't mean that I am not capable of completing a task just as well as someone who doesn't. I need additional support to help me understand.
Opening up about having a disability is not easy. Society puts so much pressure on people to be perfect, that it's uncomfortable to admit you're not. Even if your imperfection is out of your control. So imagine opening up, and being shut down immediately or having someone tell you that you don't have common sense when you're busy fighting your own demons. We shouldn't be made to feel stupid, because we are not.
Why make someone feel stupid about something they can't do when they're open to learning?
A concept I won't, and don't think I ever will understand. If you know someone who has faced discrimination on the basis of being different, please stand up for them guys. The same way my Dad did for me. We're strong and independent but sometimes we need back-up and it feels good to know your loved ones have your back.
Take care of yourselves guys!!
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