Chapter 3- "I'm crippled by my fear of math tests"
Imagine trying something over and over again, thinking it'll be different this time only to face the same disappointing outcome. Albert Einstein would have called that insanity.
When I was younger, before I accepted that I was just bad at math, the idea of having a math test of math exam was probably one of the scariest things to me.
Shout out to my parents for putting up with me the nights before I had a test or an exam because it wasn't pretty.
Any of you who have had a panic attack before or who have anxiety will know how emotionally and mentally draining that can be.
Going through my study material and attempting questions were always my biggest trigger, because my work would always be wrong. I'd sit at my desk, and I'd feel my tears slowly burn my eyes as they collected along my waterline. I'd feel the pit in my stomach and my heart rate rise. My hands and fingers would begin to quiver because I knew that I would fail tomorrow and it felt like the end of the world. The thought would become clearer and clearer and my anxiety worse until I would finally break down and go seek comfort from my parents, who probably didn't understand my reaction because unlike me, they are both very good at math.
Most nights I would end up crying myself to sleep. Then the next day go to school absolutely knackered to take this test I knew I'd fail anyway.
I always attempted every question, just in case. I would write down every formula I could remember- relevant or not. But the problem was that most of the time, I would look at a question and my mind was blank. As in, black. Darkness. Not a clue about how I could even approach this question. What is this question asking me? How am I supposed to find X when I can't even find my way home?
All I knew was that questions like f(x)= x^2+2 and g(x)=x+1 gave me a literal headache.
It wasn't unusual for me to start tearing up in the middle of a test or exam out of frustration either. You know when you can feel your panic rise right before an attack? I was always so busy trying to keep myself calm during tests and exams that I often ran out of time. Not that more time would have affected my grades positively or anything anyway. But it was embarrassing. I was embarrassed that a subject everyone seemed more than capable of doing caused me so much physical discomfort. In class, I used to try to answer questions (never got them right even though I was convinced my answer would be right). But the more I raised my hand, the more nervous I used to get because my fear of getting the question wrong grew with every wrong answer I'd say out loud. At some point I stopped all together because my anxiety got the better of me.
Anxiety is a side effect of Dyscalculia? Developing a fear towards something that causes you grief makes sense. Rubinsten and Tannock found that there is a direct link between emotions, math and the resulting low achievement in math. But why? Young children usually start school with a basic understanding of numbers and simple arithmetic which was introduced by their surroundings. However, children with Dyscalculia have an innate deficiency in their ability to understand numbers and calculate. Usually math problems only have a single answer. But we find 5 different answers for the same question with every attempt. There is also a culture of being able to calculate "easy" calculations fast- or else you look dumb right? That adds so much more pressure to a child looking at numbers and seeing blank. This induces a negative attitude towards math and children with Dyscalculia will learn to be helpless against their battle with arithmetic. Over time, this induces a fear and avoidance of math problems. It's human nature to avoid the things we fear like running away from that gross spider in the corner of your room. But we can't really avoid math. It's everywhere and we have to take it in school. So what else is left to do but to panic if we can't avoid it? Sure we can try that much harder to understand but chances are that we won't and there is genuinely nothing we can do about it.
I have gotten better, the lack of math in my life and my diagnosis has made it easier. I still have statistics as part of my psychology degree and it makes me want to cry most times. However, knowing that I have a learning disability and I can't do much to change the way my brain reacts to math, has helped me overcome my anxiety a bit. I would be lying if I said that I don't get stressed and I still feel bad about myself. Sometimes I still say "I'm so dumb" out loud and I mean it. Although, I haven't spoken about this yet, the last time I had a panic attack based on my disability, I was severely lost in a city and couldn't stop telling myself how dumb I am for not being able to follow the directions that were given to me or even remember where I was supposed to go. I won't talk about this situation too much because I am planning on turning it into a post. Before that situation, there was another time where I was counting a till after my shift at work and I miscounted it 6 times. I had to get someone, a stranger, to come count for me and when they left I broke down out of embarrassment that me, an at the time 22 year old high-school graduate, couldn't even count coins.
If you have learning disabilities, please be kinder to yourself. You're doing what you can and have to work 4 times as much as someone without learning disabilities. That in itself is extremely admirable.
But it's a process and sometimes it's easier said than done. I am still going through it and I, too, have to learn to cut myself some slack.
Well, I think that's enough about my anxiety for one day.
Take care of yourselves!
Study by Rubinsten and Tannock
When I was younger, before I accepted that I was just bad at math, the idea of having a math test of math exam was probably one of the scariest things to me.
Shout out to my parents for putting up with me the nights before I had a test or an exam because it wasn't pretty.
Any of you who have had a panic attack before or who have anxiety will know how emotionally and mentally draining that can be.
Going through my study material and attempting questions were always my biggest trigger, because my work would always be wrong. I'd sit at my desk, and I'd feel my tears slowly burn my eyes as they collected along my waterline. I'd feel the pit in my stomach and my heart rate rise. My hands and fingers would begin to quiver because I knew that I would fail tomorrow and it felt like the end of the world. The thought would become clearer and clearer and my anxiety worse until I would finally break down and go seek comfort from my parents, who probably didn't understand my reaction because unlike me, they are both very good at math.
Most nights I would end up crying myself to sleep. Then the next day go to school absolutely knackered to take this test I knew I'd fail anyway.
I always attempted every question, just in case. I would write down every formula I could remember- relevant or not. But the problem was that most of the time, I would look at a question and my mind was blank. As in, black. Darkness. Not a clue about how I could even approach this question. What is this question asking me? How am I supposed to find X when I can't even find my way home?
All I knew was that questions like f(x)= x^2+2 and g(x)=x+1 gave me a literal headache.
It wasn't unusual for me to start tearing up in the middle of a test or exam out of frustration either. You know when you can feel your panic rise right before an attack? I was always so busy trying to keep myself calm during tests and exams that I often ran out of time. Not that more time would have affected my grades positively or anything anyway. But it was embarrassing. I was embarrassed that a subject everyone seemed more than capable of doing caused me so much physical discomfort. In class, I used to try to answer questions (never got them right even though I was convinced my answer would be right). But the more I raised my hand, the more nervous I used to get because my fear of getting the question wrong grew with every wrong answer I'd say out loud. At some point I stopped all together because my anxiety got the better of me.
Anxiety is a side effect of Dyscalculia? Developing a fear towards something that causes you grief makes sense. Rubinsten and Tannock found that there is a direct link between emotions, math and the resulting low achievement in math. But why? Young children usually start school with a basic understanding of numbers and simple arithmetic which was introduced by their surroundings. However, children with Dyscalculia have an innate deficiency in their ability to understand numbers and calculate. Usually math problems only have a single answer. But we find 5 different answers for the same question with every attempt. There is also a culture of being able to calculate "easy" calculations fast- or else you look dumb right? That adds so much more pressure to a child looking at numbers and seeing blank. This induces a negative attitude towards math and children with Dyscalculia will learn to be helpless against their battle with arithmetic. Over time, this induces a fear and avoidance of math problems. It's human nature to avoid the things we fear like running away from that gross spider in the corner of your room. But we can't really avoid math. It's everywhere and we have to take it in school. So what else is left to do but to panic if we can't avoid it? Sure we can try that much harder to understand but chances are that we won't and there is genuinely nothing we can do about it.
I have gotten better, the lack of math in my life and my diagnosis has made it easier. I still have statistics as part of my psychology degree and it makes me want to cry most times. However, knowing that I have a learning disability and I can't do much to change the way my brain reacts to math, has helped me overcome my anxiety a bit. I would be lying if I said that I don't get stressed and I still feel bad about myself. Sometimes I still say "I'm so dumb" out loud and I mean it. Although, I haven't spoken about this yet, the last time I had a panic attack based on my disability, I was severely lost in a city and couldn't stop telling myself how dumb I am for not being able to follow the directions that were given to me or even remember where I was supposed to go. I won't talk about this situation too much because I am planning on turning it into a post. Before that situation, there was another time where I was counting a till after my shift at work and I miscounted it 6 times. I had to get someone, a stranger, to come count for me and when they left I broke down out of embarrassment that me, an at the time 22 year old high-school graduate, couldn't even count coins.
If you have learning disabilities, please be kinder to yourself. You're doing what you can and have to work 4 times as much as someone without learning disabilities. That in itself is extremely admirable.
But it's a process and sometimes it's easier said than done. I am still going through it and I, too, have to learn to cut myself some slack.
Well, I think that's enough about my anxiety for one day.
Take care of yourselves!
Study by Rubinsten and Tannock
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