Chapter 4- "I don't know where I am"
As briefly mentioned in my last post, a side effect of Dyscalculia is experiencing difficulty with directions. I think being bad at directions has become a staple of who I am. It's definitely not uncommon for me to be lost, to not find a classroom or to have no idea if my house is north from the city or not.
Although it's funny to talk about, being in that situation at the time is far from funny. Imagine having google maps on your phone and still not knowing where to go. Needless to say, I'd be lost without google maps. Pun intended.
In my last post, I brought up the last time I was severely lost. Let me dive into that evening:
I was in Berlin, visiting my friend and was over at her place for dinner (which I kind of found on my own). When I left, it must have been around 11 pm. I got to the station I was meant to be at when my 4G stopped working. I looked around and recognised nothing, even though I had been at that station earlier and the day before. At the time, I was on the phone with my boyfriend joking about how lost I am. I wasn't panicking yet because I figured I could just ask the locals. However, amid my confidence, I forgot that directions don't mean anything to me. I can't explain it properly but if you tell me to go straight for 400 meters and then take a left etc. I won't find where I'm supposed to be. I must have asked about 4 different people to help me out before I began to panic, still on the phone. I hung up and went to ask the last person, a night-shop owner, who gave me directions. After walking for what seemed like forever, I felt like something was wrong. I approached two men and asked if they could help me out. No offense to any men out there, but as someone who in that situation is already vulnerable for reasons like having no idea where I am, it being the middle of the night, me being by myself and in a foreign place, I began to feel even more distressed. They showed me that I walked in the complete opposite direction than I was supposed to. I thanked them and went on my way. On my way I called my boyfriend, at this point in tears at my mistake, who tried to keep me calm. He asked me to tell him where I am and what I saw. I would like to mention that he was in Scotland at the time and not anywhere nearby and has never been in Berlin. Slowly he managed to lead me to where I was supposed to be over the phone. He asked me to tell him what I saw on my left and right and followed me on google maps. When I got back, I broke down and cried, frustrated at myself. How can a person be like this? He was encouraging, reminded me that this isn't my fault and I am home and safe.
Something similar happened to me when I spent a month alone in Florence to learn Italian. To me, new things look the same the first time. If I meet a group of people, everyone will look the same to me. If I'm in a new place, everywhere around that place will look the same to me. This happens to be another symptom which definitely does not contribute positively to having a problem with directions. Anyways, there I am in Florence, 17 years old and not knowing about Dyscalculia yet. I just knew I was bad at directions. I hated being there for the first 4 days, because going to school and coming back took me forever. I got so lost every time and just wanted to go back home to Switzerland. After a couple of days, I started seeing the positive in getting lost. I found a lot of cute spots and cafes and I started seeing getting lost as a fun opportunity to explore Florence. I devised a system that helped me remember the important places and I was fine.
What's interesting is that when I have to find a place, in my mind I truly believe I know where I'm supposed to go. Until I actually have to do it. Throwback to living in Dubai. I must have been around 11 years old when I was supposed to lead my brother, his godfather and his partner to the beach which would have been a 5 minute walk. I was so convinced that I knew the direction. As you may have guessed, I did not know the right direction and we ended up walking for ages. Some people also caught a sunburn in the process- my bad.
There have been more instances than the past 3 but I'd literally have to write a book. I have kind of worked out systems for myself; if I have an appointment somewhere new, I will leave an hour early just in case. And until now, I have always used that hour. I struggle mapping out the direction to a place in my mind. I can see the destination but I can't visualise the way there. This also happens with places I've been to multiple times. So never ask me for directions please. But why does Dyscalculia affect my directional thinking? We have a bad understanding of directions and often get confused with left or right. We struggle translating what a GPS says into real life. Furthermore, we have little or no sense of spacial relations. Distances don't mean anything to us. Again, we struggle understanding the value of numbers.
To me, it doesn't matter if I'm travelling by foot or car. I'll get lost either way. However, driving is a proper chore for me. I have the pressure of trying to figure out the right direction. As mentioned, I don't understand distances. That isn't only relevant for directions from the GPS but also when I'm changing lanes. I prefer to not change lanes because it is difficult for me to gauge if the car behind me on the other lane is far behind enough. Understanding road signs sometimes is a struggle because the majority are symbol based. My brain does not work fast enough to process the symbols and perform the right action fast enough and I end up missing multiple turns. I don't like driving, especially not alone, because it severely stresses me out. I have to pay explicit attention to so many factors, that I'd much rather just use public transport. Don't get me wrong, I love driving on the empty motorway, with my favourite songs blasting and having a good time. But the reality is that I won't be on the motorway for my entire drive and I will experience anxiety throughout my drive.
But despite this, I think it's commendable that I managed to get my licence in the first place.
So when you see me walking about on the street looking a little disgruntled, ask me if I'm lost because chances are high that I am.
I think that's enough for today!
Take care of yourselves!!
Although it's funny to talk about, being in that situation at the time is far from funny. Imagine having google maps on your phone and still not knowing where to go. Needless to say, I'd be lost without google maps. Pun intended.
In my last post, I brought up the last time I was severely lost. Let me dive into that evening:
I was in Berlin, visiting my friend and was over at her place for dinner (which I kind of found on my own). When I left, it must have been around 11 pm. I got to the station I was meant to be at when my 4G stopped working. I looked around and recognised nothing, even though I had been at that station earlier and the day before. At the time, I was on the phone with my boyfriend joking about how lost I am. I wasn't panicking yet because I figured I could just ask the locals. However, amid my confidence, I forgot that directions don't mean anything to me. I can't explain it properly but if you tell me to go straight for 400 meters and then take a left etc. I won't find where I'm supposed to be. I must have asked about 4 different people to help me out before I began to panic, still on the phone. I hung up and went to ask the last person, a night-shop owner, who gave me directions. After walking for what seemed like forever, I felt like something was wrong. I approached two men and asked if they could help me out. No offense to any men out there, but as someone who in that situation is already vulnerable for reasons like having no idea where I am, it being the middle of the night, me being by myself and in a foreign place, I began to feel even more distressed. They showed me that I walked in the complete opposite direction than I was supposed to. I thanked them and went on my way. On my way I called my boyfriend, at this point in tears at my mistake, who tried to keep me calm. He asked me to tell him where I am and what I saw. I would like to mention that he was in Scotland at the time and not anywhere nearby and has never been in Berlin. Slowly he managed to lead me to where I was supposed to be over the phone. He asked me to tell him what I saw on my left and right and followed me on google maps. When I got back, I broke down and cried, frustrated at myself. How can a person be like this? He was encouraging, reminded me that this isn't my fault and I am home and safe.
Something similar happened to me when I spent a month alone in Florence to learn Italian. To me, new things look the same the first time. If I meet a group of people, everyone will look the same to me. If I'm in a new place, everywhere around that place will look the same to me. This happens to be another symptom which definitely does not contribute positively to having a problem with directions. Anyways, there I am in Florence, 17 years old and not knowing about Dyscalculia yet. I just knew I was bad at directions. I hated being there for the first 4 days, because going to school and coming back took me forever. I got so lost every time and just wanted to go back home to Switzerland. After a couple of days, I started seeing the positive in getting lost. I found a lot of cute spots and cafes and I started seeing getting lost as a fun opportunity to explore Florence. I devised a system that helped me remember the important places and I was fine.
What's interesting is that when I have to find a place, in my mind I truly believe I know where I'm supposed to go. Until I actually have to do it. Throwback to living in Dubai. I must have been around 11 years old when I was supposed to lead my brother, his godfather and his partner to the beach which would have been a 5 minute walk. I was so convinced that I knew the direction. As you may have guessed, I did not know the right direction and we ended up walking for ages. Some people also caught a sunburn in the process- my bad.
There have been more instances than the past 3 but I'd literally have to write a book. I have kind of worked out systems for myself; if I have an appointment somewhere new, I will leave an hour early just in case. And until now, I have always used that hour. I struggle mapping out the direction to a place in my mind. I can see the destination but I can't visualise the way there. This also happens with places I've been to multiple times. So never ask me for directions please. But why does Dyscalculia affect my directional thinking? We have a bad understanding of directions and often get confused with left or right. We struggle translating what a GPS says into real life. Furthermore, we have little or no sense of spacial relations. Distances don't mean anything to us. Again, we struggle understanding the value of numbers.
To me, it doesn't matter if I'm travelling by foot or car. I'll get lost either way. However, driving is a proper chore for me. I have the pressure of trying to figure out the right direction. As mentioned, I don't understand distances. That isn't only relevant for directions from the GPS but also when I'm changing lanes. I prefer to not change lanes because it is difficult for me to gauge if the car behind me on the other lane is far behind enough. Understanding road signs sometimes is a struggle because the majority are symbol based. My brain does not work fast enough to process the symbols and perform the right action fast enough and I end up missing multiple turns. I don't like driving, especially not alone, because it severely stresses me out. I have to pay explicit attention to so many factors, that I'd much rather just use public transport. Don't get me wrong, I love driving on the empty motorway, with my favourite songs blasting and having a good time. But the reality is that I won't be on the motorway for my entire drive and I will experience anxiety throughout my drive.
But despite this, I think it's commendable that I managed to get my licence in the first place.
So when you see me walking about on the street looking a little disgruntled, ask me if I'm lost because chances are high that I am.
I think that's enough for today!
Take care of yourselves!!
Thank you for such great enlightenment ..
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